Valentine’s Day, Divorce and Truth

Valentine’s Day – A Day of Endings and Beginnings

5 years ago – exactly on Valentines Day – my marriage came to an abrupt end.

It was the day that I knew what I had already known but pretended I didn’t. But now, there was no more pretending.

But was it really abrupt?

The slow unraveling started some 7 years prior and it felt like there was a jello-like wall between us that was gaining in thickness with each passing year.

Each year, each self-development course, each new ‘aha’ seemed to make the divide more apparent. At times, the jello changed flavor and the change seemed hopeful, but the wall never diminished.

I would often cry in deep regret for the lonely life that I had created. I was absent of joy. I wanted out but, where was out?

I had 3 small children and unable to see choices, I submitted to a lonely life of duty bound activities and did what I thought a ‘good wife’ would do and what a ‘good mother’ would do while wearing a mask of cheerfulness. I was a fake.

I had gotten so used to wearing a plastacine smile it felt normal. It was safe.

Was it though?

How does one give away their spirit, their voice, their joy, their truth and feel that is safe?

Worse, I was giving it away under the guise of nobility… ‘Oooo, what a good mom I am…what a good wife I am’.

Ick.

There is no such thing as safe in the lie.

My marriage ending was a calibration to truth.

You wanna know how I know?

The moment he told me that it was over… I felt relief.

Yes, relief.

And what I know for sure is that the truth makes you feel lighter and the lie makes you feel heavier. The lightness that accompanied the feeling of relief was telling me something huge.

But, instead of being an astute listener, and believing right away that this was a good thing, I paid my dues to fear, anger, shame, pain, and took the long, yet cathartic way around to gratitude and peace.

I remember the day AFTER our marriage ended, I had my first long awaited appointment with Anjali Hill for marriage counselling.

After listening to my pain and contraction from shock of my marriage dissolving the day before, she simply said “there may be more truth to you being apart than being together”

If she had said other things, I could not hear them… I could only hear that comment. I knew that it was profound and that someday it would help me understand freedom more deeply.

I understand now that in the parting, there were no victims and there were no villains. It was simply the truth. We were complete.

And once an experience is allowed to have it’s full cycle of being – including it’s completion – and we accept it for it’s gifts (both known and unknown), we enter into a place of personal power, resilience and radiance that is also known as true freedom.

Have you ever had a completion that stung at the time but you now know that it was the best thing for you? How did you arrive to the ‘other side’ of the equation?

Loving you immensely,

Farhana

 

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Farhana DhallaFarhana Dhalla is the ultimate ‘go to’ person for shifting perspective. Her philosophy of seeing that everything is done FOR you versus to you is the paradigm shift that helps people unlock the gifts of their situation and liberate them into living more enriching lives. Along with being a mom to 3 expressive children, she is an Enlightened Divorce Coach, Speaker and Author of the #1 International Best Selling Book Thank You for Leaving Me.

Comments

  1. So powerful! Thank you for sharing…

  2. Thanks Todd… I have been observing completions a lot lately and seeing our tendency to ‘hang on’ versus allowing things to be, evolve, grow… BE. Not just in relationships but in jobs and, death. Some thoughts around that will emerge sometime soon.

    • Loved this article. Takes some longer to come to this idea, but it certainly was freeing for me to see it this way in the end.

      *Still waiting for my book! Hope it arrives soon!

  3. Ah My divine Dhalla

    So many luscious lines hit me where I lived:

    - I was absent of joy. I wanted out but, where was out?
    - How does one give away their spirit, their voice, their joy, their truth and feel that is safe?
    - There is no such thing as safe in the lie.
    - The moment he told me that it was over… I felt relief.
    - I paid my dues to fear, anger, shame, pain, and took the long, yet cathartic way around to gratitude and peace.

    But the one that hit me the most was:
    -How does one give away their spirit, their voice, their joy, their truth and feel that is safe?

    My venomous and inept relationship ended on Boxing Day 2008.
    He nonchalantly pulled up a chair at my kitchen table, primed – full of liquid courage and laced with a dose of contempt.

    I continued doing what I was doing until I could feel his eyes not leave me.
    He didn’t just look at me – he stared.
    He leaned in, on one arm, like he was about to break it down for me…
    He paused long enough for me to look up from my studies and when he knew he had my undivided attention he said:

    “You know what?”

    “No”, I responded, “what?”
    “I think we’re done.”

    “We’re done?” I confirmed.

    “Yep, we’re done”.

    “Ok?”… (This is where the relief started to settle in)

    He interrupted me with “you wanna know why?” already proud of this great feat.

    In a very patronizing, yet self-preserving tone I responded, “I’d love to know why”.

    He took a breath as if her was preaching a lecture, “It’s just, it’s just that your so F***ing plain”, chasing his words down so casually with another swig from his bottle of beer.

    I breathed the words out, slowly, (holding back sarcasm as it would have taken his satisfaction away) and opted for a perplexed tone “I’m plain?”

    “Yup, you’re plain” he sarcastically uttered back.

    “I’ve been called a lot of things in my life Peter, but Plain isn’t one of them”.

    He started giving me the details about how I wasn’t worth anything to him.
    I responded with silence as he continued to tell me how I was useless. Continued to list all of my problems as he’d done so many times before.

    In my mind I was dancing & cheering!
    Too much time, and energy and love was wasted on this little man (all 5’6 of him).
    What he failed to realize in his arrogance, is that I was already detaching in our relationship for the last few months.
    He’d fired me twice in the past 4 months.

    I had been heavily focused on an intense business program, and for the first time in 4 1/2 years, he wasn’t the primary focus (I was).
    It was only 12-weeks into the program, and I felt that I’d earned the right to make myself a priority.

    How does one give away their spirit, their voice, their joy, their truth and feel that is safe?
    The short answer to that is slowly.
    It creeps up on you like a whisper, and before I knew it I was just falling in line and doing what a good girlfriend was supposed to do. When he berated me, I knew it would get me nowhere to respond in the heat of the moment, for he was always right – always.

    There is no such thing as safe in the lie.
    There is also no such thing as safety in being a secret, and I was just that – a secret, for our entire relationship. No title, no vacations, no nothings….
    I was in awe of how I’d gotten where I was. I knew my relationship was bad.
    Though at the time, I had NO idea how much of myself I’d lost. That too would be revealed to me slowly and gradually over years.

    I was absent of joy. I wanted out but, where was out?
    I thought that my silence would buy me safety that too was a very dangerous truth I told myself (only to turn into a lie).

    I paid my dues to fear, anger, shame, pain, and took the long, yet cathartic way around to gratitude and peace.
    I was stocked, harassed, threatened, 2 vehicles stolen 11 months apart (Even the police knew he was guilty, but couldn’t prove it).

    I now believe that karma grows the longer it takes to pay back.
    I know that I need not waste a single once of hate-energy on him, as he’s a sad and lonely man who knows no loyalty and is void of love (receiving and giving).
    I have had 2 abusive relationships in my life experience, and I need not ever endure another, as I learned my lesson.
    The lesson being that I’m worthy of love exactly as I am.

    Have you ever had a completion that stung at the time but you now know that it was the best thing for you? How did you arrive to the ‘other side’ of the equation?

    The night of the: PLAIN BREAK DOWN/BREAK UP, I did say one thing:
    “I just want my life back”.

    And only now, nearly 4 years later after years of work, of fear of doubt, far too much pain and my self worth completely lost (now found) –
    I can say that I have arrived; I am worthy and ready for prosperity and success.
    And when the next fella comes along, that’s ready to love me the way I deserve, he will know love like no other.

    Thank you my dear friend for sharing your voice and your wisdom so freely and so purely.
    I love you so!

  4. Oh my Beautiful Natasja,

    Your self reflection and reveal here has busted my heart wide open. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the gifts you have given here.

    I named you.

    I named you The Transformationist because of how you make people feel when they are in your presence.

    But now I know, you named yourself that long ago.

    What courage you displayed in no longer letting him define you and claim your own definition and re-definition of yourself.

    What you wrote here represents millions of women. And whether they are at the beginning of the cycle of remembering their true self or well along the way, you wrote and claimed space for all of us.

    There are those that will read this and they will wake up from their slumber. An uncomfortable yet liberating awakening.

    And there are those that will reflect with compassion the journey we have taken to claim the fullness of our beauty, our talents, our smarts, our divine offerings…

    You spoke for us all.

    Thank you.

    With a humble bow of Namaste for letting us all see you and revel in your ‘anything but plain’ eloquence and standing as a guide post for all that we aspire to be. Ourselves.

    I love you immensely.

    • My Divine one
      I always find myself starting any comment or response to you with an
      “AH”

      For you make me want to take deep breaths
      Soak in your love
      Your wisdom
      Your divinity
      Your affection

      To take it all in
      Slowly
      And Deliberately

      Noticing that love indeed does have a taste
      That is so sweet and oh so pure.

      I can hear your voice when I read your words-
      (Which to me is a sign of any good writer, worth their salt.)

      I adore how you began your response with the word “Laced”
      When I was writing the piece, it hit me
      Like only truth can.

      I have felt so insignificant, so full of fear, which just manifests into guilt
      That starts another trip down the rabbit hole
      (A destination I’ve spent far much time in, and need not visit again).

      It is in the naming of me and the loving of me that I will play small no longer.
      You reminded me years ago to “stand tall in my talent”
      And you encouraged me “to be profane and to be profound”.

      I may have had the name “The Transformationalist”
      but I did not recognize it as such
      And I certainly did not honour it.
      It was only when you graced me with the title that I started to
      Own it.

      You helped me find me.
      You gave me a name that I was so proud of
      As there is nothing more potent to attach yourself to than TRUTH.

      It is in the cheering for me
      that I remembered I am worthy and that I am love.
      That we all are.

      When I look at the women that I have attracted into my life experience
      It’s a beautiful and necessary reminder for me
      To Stop
      To realize
      I did something else right

      I tell myself
      I did that
      I attracted you
      And I’m so dam proud
      For it’s one of the most precious pieces of my reality.

      It is in my own transformation that the definition
      and the re-definition have occurred.

      It’s been so gradual that I did not see it
      Clearly
      I did not see it as courage
      I saw it as shame.
      And I silenced it
      I made it a secret
      And made myself one in the process.

      Thank you for helping me re-claim my voice
      And my space in this world

      It is in the loving when we can be
      Ourselves.

      Namaste my darling.
      Namaste.

  5. Dearest Farhana and Natasja,

    In this moment, reading both your words I am touched by sheer love, pride and gratitude. By each of you sharing your reflections you give others such a divine gift of authenticity, of feeling the pain – yet also feeling the freedom.

    Thank you my dear friends…
    Hugs & Love Lee xoxoxox

    • Love Lee, you show us how it is done. Repeatedly.

      It is the kaleidoscope of the experience that offers such beauty if we train our eyes to see it. And that my dear, is your specialty.

      All Love All Ways,
      Farhana

  6. Michele says:

    My dear sisters,
    This post has found me at exactly the right moment, as three days ago I said yes to my soul and walked away from it all. After seven years of a slow, painful withering away, I finally felt there was no longer a choice. Leave or die. It may sound dramatic, but for those of us who have allowed the happiness of others to dictate our choices for much too long, it is a primal truth. I was dying inside. And it was painful.
    It was as though my soul was screaming at me to get out! Get out or lose all of who you are. So I left. I left my home, my job, my husband, my marriage, and my two beautiful boys. I left and I came HOME to the place I feel most cradled in love’s embrace.
    It has taken me seven years to find the courage to leave. It has been the hardest choice of my life. Yet somehow I know it was the only choice.
    Life is too precious to waste living a half-lived life. I am here to live out loud and in purpose! And fear will no longer dictate!
    Thank you my strong, courageous sisters for being who you are. And for inspiring the rest of us to do the same!
    Xoxo

    • Dear Michele

      I am delighted to be aligned with helping you confirm that you did right by honouring you.

      It is said that we teach people how to treat us, and you stopped this lesson by reclaiming you and your life.
      You are teaching your sons how to treat women.
      You are teaching your sons what happens when you do not honour the spirit of another human being.
      You are also teaching them how sacred their own spirits are.
      And that my darling is pure love, the L-O-V-E kind!

      Self-love has been the hardest lesson for me, but it is in the sharing of my truth, that makes it attainable and reachable -
      And most importantly, POSSSIBLE.
      It is your right to be loved and honoured and cherished.

      The divine Maya Angelou says:
      “When someone shows you who they are, believe them, the first time.”

      I’m certain that he showed you over and over and over.
      I do not share this with you to permit you to go into guilt, but to commend you that you have heard the message (loud and clear), and will not tolerate another second of his abuse.

      Your primal truth is not dramatic, it’s as real as it gets.
      I salute you in your living out loud and living on purpose with purpose.
      Your newfound direction will reveal a path that is unknown but so worth the wait.

      Thank you for sharing your truth and your story.

      I send you nothing but love and light.

      Hold your head up high doll. I’m cheering for ya!

  7. My Dear Michele,

    I am humbled by your share here… with everything so fresh and the pain so acute, you have the where-with-all to pay attention to the exhale.

    The exhale that comes from relief. The exhale that comes from allowing things to calibrate to truth.

    You have listened.

    There is a book that i would recommend… it’s by Neale Donald Walsch – it’s called “When Everything Changes, Change Everything”

    (and, my book is pretty good too – lol!)

    You are at a marvelous point of re-invention. And you are courageous enough to do it.

    Your boys will learn so much from you during this time. Your courage, your willingness to be truthful, your commitment to yourself, your trusting in The Greater as you walk (and then run) towards your grandest dreams. All these are profound life lessons.

    Here is the trick though… make no one wrong. Not you. Not him. This is just what needed to happen in order for you to claim the grandness of your spirit.

    Michele, please sign up for this free tele-summit – It’s called the Great Parenting Show and I am a guest on Wednesday… This is exactly what we will be talking about. How can we make divorce an enlightening experience for us and our children.

    http://bit.ly/qqEByT

    You are exquisite. You are powerful. You are guided. You are whole.

    Thank you for claiming you.

    Love,
    Farhana

  8. Some of the discussion are continuing on Facebook – join in the conversation there too…

    https://www.facebook.com/farhana.dhalla/posts/207073186078637
    https://www.facebook.com/natasjafischer/posts/447035655311696?notif_t=mentions_comment

    Much loving…
    ~f

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