Valentine’s Day – A Day of Endings and Beginnings
It was the day that I knew what I had already known but pretended I didn’t. But now, there was no more pretending.
But was it really abrupt?
The slow unraveling started some 7 years prior and it felt like there was a jello-like wall between us that was gaining in thickness with each passing year.
Each year, each self-development course, each new ‘aha’ seemed to make the divide more apparent. At times, the jello changed flavor and the change seemed hopeful, but the wall never diminished.
I would often cry in deep regret for the lonely life that I had created. I was absent of joy. I wanted out but, where was out?
I had 3 small children and unable to see choices, I submitted to a lonely life of duty bound activities and did what I thought a ‘good wife’ would do and what a ‘good mother’ would do while wearing a mask of cheerfulness. I was a fake.
I had gotten so used to wearing a plastacine smile it felt normal. It was safe.
Was it though?
How does one give away their spirit, their voice, their joy, their truth and feel that is safe?
Worse, I was giving it away under the guise of nobility… ‘Oooo, what a good mom I am…what a good wife I am’.
There is no such thing as safe in the lie.
My marriage ending was a calibration to truth.
You wanna know how I know?
The moment he told me that it was over… I felt relief.
And what I know for sure is that the truth makes you feel lighter and the lie makes you feel heavier. The lightness that accompanied the feeling of relief was telling me something huge.
But, instead of being an astute listener, and believing right away that this was a good thing, I paid my dues to fear, anger, shame, pain, and took the long, yet cathartic way around to gratitude and peace.
I remember the day AFTER our marriage ended, I had my first long awaited appointment with Anjali Hill for marriage counselling.
After listening to my pain and contraction from shock of my marriage dissolving the day before, she simply said “there may be more truth to you being apart than being together”
If she had said other things, I could not hear them… I could only hear that comment. I knew that it was profound and that someday it would help me understand freedom more deeply.
I understand now that in the parting, there were no victims and there were no villains. It was simply the truth. We were complete.
And once an experience is allowed to have it's full cycle of being - including it's completion - and we accept it for it's gifts (both known and unknown), we enter into a place of personal power, resilience and radiance that is also known as true freedom.
Have you ever had a completion that stung at the time but you now know that it was the best thing for you? How did you arrive to the ‘other side’ of the equation?
Loving you immensely,